Ok, so I am a pretty big baseball fan. Football, not so much--though I DO watch and have a reasonable understanding of the game and strategy. One of the key differentiators, in my mind, between these two American pastimes: football commentators are dumb. Case in point: any football announcer talking about Tom Brady. Sure, I could go off on John Madden, as many have, but these other guys are just as retarded. They're infatuated with Brady. Let me illustrate. Here is an actual conversation between the play-by-play and the color announcers commentating a game involving Tom Brady and his beloved (ugh) Patriots. We'll call these two fellas Al and Jim.
Al: Oh, and an incomplete pass by Brady.
Jim: That there was not Brady's fault. The receiver just plane missed his route.
Al: Oh, yeah, I have to agree with you on that one. Brady threw a brilliant pass on that play.
Ok, pretty tame so far right. Let's continue.
Al: Brady is having a stellar night so far.
Jim: So true, Al. He is just unconscious out there. It's like he isn't even trying, but he's flat putting on a show for us. A beautiful, perfect show.
Al: Good, point, Jim, Brady sure is beautiful. He's a beautiful man.
Jim: I know--like a unicorn or something--I just want to touch him and run my fingers though his flowing mane of hair.
Al: That's some fine analysis there, Jim.
Kinda strange, right? There's more.
Jim: Brady is so perfect. You know... I bet his illegitimate child is immune to cancer. I mean just naturally immune.
Al: You're probably right, Jim. I doubt the kid will ever get any disease--ever. They really should harvest his son's tears just to check if if they can cure AIDS or something.
Al: You know, I was thinking... when the defense sacks Brady, it really should go down as double in the sports stats archives. Reason why is because not only did they sack Brady, which everyone knows is damn near impossible in the first case, but they also got to touch Brady. You know what I mean?
Jim: I never thought about it, but, Al, you are absolutely right. Oh, what I wouldn't give myself just to touch Brady. Hell, I'd probably trade my wife. Man, I wonder what it's like. He's just is so beautiful!
Al: I bet it's like sex with like a thousand virgins.
Jim: Yeah. One Brady is equivalent to a thousand virgins. I'm with you on this. Hey, Al,... it wouldn't be gay to have sex with Brady if you were to imagine he's a woman, would it?
Al: You're imagining he's a woman, right? (Matter-of-fact-ly) Oh, no, that's not gay. Not at all. I can't imagine a more manly thing.
Jim: Ok, good.
See what I mean? Ok, now get back to watching baseball. At least they only use comically suggestive lingo in that sport.